There hasn't been much to write about on here and though no one really reads this thing, sometimes I just get in the mood to write and tonight I'm feeling one of those moods because I'm extremely bored and lonely.
I can't believe in just a few days we will be into July. It's absolutely insane how fast this summer is flying by and I don't know how I feel about it. I want it to last because I fucking hate winter and the cold and the heat of summer makes me feel happy. But, my kids have been at each other's throats since about the 2nd day of summer break and I'm tired of playing referee. Sometimes, it's hilarious seeing how much they are like me....totally stubborn. I had something happen on 2 different occasions and as much as I was annoyed, I couldn't help but laugh. Jenna comes out crying Gianna had choked her and of course, Gianna denied it. So, I made them BOTH sit on the couch, tv off, no games, just silence until someone came forward with the truth. Obviously Jenna was fine and it wasn't a big deal, but they needed to learn a lesson on lying. I told them as soon as I was told the truth, they can get off the couch and resume playing in the bedroom. They sat on that couch for almost 2 hours, going back and forth about how Gianna did, and her still denying it and both swear to me they are telling the truth lol. Finally, almost 2 hours and 2 Tylenol later, Gianna FINALLY confessed she did in fact choke Jenna. Then this happened yet again about a week later, but involved Gianna pushing Jenna and we sat on the couch again for almost an hour. She is so stubborn like her mama that I just have to laugh. It's like she is the carbon-copy of me. She looks exactly the way I did at her age and she acts just like me. Jenna is her daddy through and through. They are my world, even though I wanna mail them to Alaska or drop them off at some fancy neighborhood with signs around their necks "FREE TO A GOOD HOME" lol.
On the health front, things are the same, but just finding more stuff out. I have the dysautonomia. I got a diagnosis, but there's nothing they can do for it. At least I can put a name to it. I'm also seeing a reproductive endocrinologist to find out why my monthly visitor hasn't visited in over a year. I go for an ultrasound and blood work on Tuesday. I was given Provera a while ago, which is a high dosage of progesterone to force a period to come on. And it didn't work, because my body isn't making the estrogen needed to make it work. So, basically my ovaries have shut down? Idk. I'll find more out about that after the ultrasound and at the follow up appt on the 11th. My weight is still dropping, but has slowed. It's funny because last year I couldn't really keep any food down at all and this summer most of what I eat stays down as long as I don't eat much. But I weigh significantly less this summer. 84 pounds I'm at now. Pant size 0 are too large, I'm in a 10/12 in kid size! As if I didn't confuse people enough on looking too young, let my kid pants further confuse you lol.
July 22nd is mine and Gianna's Kennywood day. I know that was random, but it's how my brain works lol. I asked her to pick something me and her can do together since we rarely have one-on-one because of her clingy sister. So, she chose Kennywood. She wants to try the Exterminator and if she is tall enough, she wants to go on the phantom lol. It's funny my 7 year old is more brave than my 32 year old husband lol. We even bought her little wedge sandals for the day so she can have a little extra height on her side so I'm pretty sure they will bring her up to 48 inches. She's gonna be tiny like her mama. She is about 47 1/2 inches normally and Jenna is about 43 inches. I can't believe my baby is gonna be going to kindergarten :( but anyways, back to Kennywood. It's all she talks about, and I'm always getting asked "Mom can we ride *insert ride name here*?" Even though I always reply we will ride whatever she wants as long as she is tall enough for it. On Monday we are doing Idlewild as a family thing. But, I'm way more excited for Kennywood with just my Gianna. July 22nd seems so far away :(
I guess I did enough rambling. I'm just lonely. Dave has been forced over every day on this 3-11 shift and I really don't have any friends anymore. Nobody I can call and be like "hey wanna meet up here in an hour?" The friends I did have don't really talk to me anymore. I don't know if my being sick makes them feel uncomfortable. Yeah, I may not feel well a lot of the time but it's a feeling I've grown accustomed to and feeling shitty is my new normal. I let it control my life awhile ago, but not anymore. I want to have friends again and not be stuck at home whenever I have this beautiful Ford Fusion sitting in my drive way, just waiting for it's next destination. But, for now I have my babies and they are all I really ever need.
I suppose I should try to sleep, which will end up in failure. I am exhausted through the days, and get horrible insomnia at night. When I do finally fall asleep, I'm only asleep for 2-3 hours then I struggle to go back to sleep. It's sad when it's summer break and I'm still awake at 7 before my kids and can't sleep in anymore. But that time to myself is nice. I drink my coffee and read a book in peace. I just finished The Fault In Our Stars. It took me a whole day to finish. I couldn't put it down! I kept thinking though, this is gonna be my future. I have everything else wrong, so I'm just waiting for that day I get a cancer diagnosis from all of the x-rays and CT scans and MRIs I get put through. Who knows, I may already have it and it hasn't been found yet. Would explain my weight loss and the shedding of my hair. (Though I was told my non-existent estrogen levels is what's causing that) maybe one day, they can get everything fixed and I can go back to normal. But, for now, I'm getting used to my "new" normal.
Ta.
