Random

I cannot believe that we are almost in February of  2014. I wish time wouldn't go by so fast. As a child, it seemed like forever until you reached a certain age. It seems once you have children and you watch them grow, life suddenly feels like its so short. My babies birthdays are coming up in March. My oldest will be 7! Freaking 7! And my youngest, my baby, is going to be 5 and starting kindergarten in the fall (maybe). Thank goodness that she is still my snuggler and loves being in my lap when we watch tv on the couch. Kindergarten is going to be rough, I don't think she's ready, and I am not ready. We still have problems with separation anxiety and being apart from me for too long. She is constantly worried that I am going to die. "I don't want you to die. You're close!" She tells me this all of the time. It probably doesn't help that she sees me going in and out of the hospital. I was doing so well staying out of there, but things are getting bad again.

I have something going on, but really haven't gone to the doctor except for when I was extreme pain from blockages that had caused my stoma swell three times it's size. They told me I have adhesions and these blockages are going to be a part of my life. Great news. But, there's more than that. My weight keeps dropping and I don't know when it's going to stop. I am creeping up (or down?) to 85 pounds. I was 120 in May. That's almost a 35 pound weight loss. I can't eat a whole lot. If I eat small amounts at a time, like taking 1 piece of chicken and eating half then eat the other later, I will be okay. If I try to eat a whole piece of a chicken breast, plus a side to go with it...ya know, a normal meal, I pay for it. I can't even say the pain is in the stomach because it's not high, the pain and cramps are stoma level and below. I know I should probably see a doctor, at least for the extreme weight loss. I just have a feeling that my small intestines aren't absorbing nutrients and they will want to do some feeding tube, which has been talked about in the past. I already have issues with my little one thinking I'm dying, I couldn't imagine what it would do to her to see me with a J-tube. It's not fair for them to see me eating differently or being in pain for trying to eat more.  I could always do my supplement shakes, but I don't want to drink my meals all of the time. My hair is shedding a lot more and you can tell it's thinned out. I'm not bald, thank goodness, but my hair is lacking its volume it once had. My blood pressure is constantly bottoming out and I find myself fainting more and more whenever I go to stand up. I had a nice big bruise on my hip from fainting walking into my kitchen. And since I have no padding on my hips (the bones just stick out and it's gross) I'm amazed I didn't break it. I joke with my husband that it's a good thing my outside appearance doesn't look like how old my body feels. I look like a 17 year old with 80 year old problems lol.

And even through all of this, I am hoping my little one goes to kindergarten and I have already started researching nursing schools for myself. I always was a glutton for punishment I suppose :) I just don't want to sit around all day and do nothing. I tell my little one that it's gonna be time for mommy to have another baby, which she gets mad and says she doesn't allow me because she is my baby lol. She doesn't have to worry about that though, since I'm infertile now lol. The gyno said my ovaries aren't working, I'm not ovulating anymore and my body isn't making sufficient amounts of estrogen, which is why I haven't had a menstrual cycle since July. I thought it had something to do with the prolactinoma but I was wrong. It's a good thing I was blessed with my beautiful girls in my early 20s and didn't wait until my late 20s or 30s :)

That's about all for my random post. My keurig is calling my name. I need COFFEE because I feel soooo drained today! I'm hoping they don't cancel school tomorrow and the roads aren't too bad for me to drive Jenna to preschool. I refuse to drive now when it's gonna snow. Oh yeah, forgot to mention that my Mazda was considered totaled from my accident last month :/ but we got a 2011 Ford Fusion that can do everything but fly lol. Here's hoping this car can last longer than 6 months!