Feeling Kinda Lucky

So today marks mine and Dave's 7 year wedding anniversary. He works afternoon shift, but we celebrated on Saturday. This whole weekend it feels like I ate entirely too much and my stomach is bloated and crampy as I struggle to digest and pass whatever has been sitting in my stomach. I think for the next few days, I'll be putting myself on a soft/liquid diet, like what I get whenever I'm in the hospital.

I've been having some pretty rough days, emotionally, these past few weeks. I thought I could take myself off of my antidepressant and see how I would do. Apparently, not too well. I was back to suicidal thoughts and so down and upset all of the time. But tonight, as I was saying good night to my kids, I realized all of the good things I have in my life that I have been forgetting about. It's the small things that happen in my daily life. Snuggling with my kids as we watch a movie. Whenever Jenna will hop in my lap and wrap her arms around my neck and smother me in her kisses as she tells me how much she loves me. I have a supportive husband that doesn't freak out whenever we wake at 3 am and the bed is covered in my crap because I had a blowout. Even though I feel sick and miserable and in some type of pain most of my days, these little things make me feel lucky to be here. So what if I'm stuck with an ostomy bag and a half-functioning digestive system and a central nervous system that doesn't function the way that it should. I have great kids, a great husband, a roof over my head, a soft bed to sleep in at night and food to stick into my stomach, whether it wants food or not lol I need to start remembering these good things instead of dwelling over the negative. I need to let go of the thoughts that consume my head about how much different my life is and how grossly skinny I look. I need to start trusting God more with my life and health and whenever I see the doctor on Thursday to discuss a feeding tube, I need to be open about the idea if it will be the best thing for me. I have a family that loves me no matter what, and after everything me and Dave have been through, I know who my true friends are.

Tonight, despite my illness and the stomach pains I'm experiencing as I type this, I'm feeling like the luckiest woman in the world. I hope this feeling lasts.