I have given up (or is it given in..not sure which phrase best suits this?) I have started therapy and taking an anti-depressant. I know I haven't been myself since my youngest was born, with having bouts of depression on and off and with the recent events and me being sick all of the time, I decided it was time to finally do something about it.
The doctor says its going to take about 4-6 weeks for the medicine to take effect and its only been a week so far. Nothing has really happened with the therapy yet being as I've only had gone twice and both times were alot of paperwork and worksheets to figure out exactly how depressed I am, which they think I'm severely depressed, especially since I have been having thoughts about ending my life again. I have had recurring thoughts of this since I was about 16 or so. I never had any real plan to do it, but just always that feeling that everybody would be better off.
I have been feeling like a terrible mother because I'm always sick. Anytime I eat, it comes right back up. The doctors can't figure out why. Part of it may be my fault. I had an eating disorder before all of this, an untreated eating disorder. I basically starved myself and now that I'm trying to eat, maybe my body is like "Food? This is bad, I don't want this! Get rid of it!" Who knows. I mean, it's very possible it's the dysautonomia causing it, but I've lost about 15 pounds this summer because of it. But anytime we go somewhere - to a park, a birthday party, to visit somebody - everything gets cut short and we leave early because I end up getting sick. Let me tell you, throwing up in a port-a-potty is definitely no picnic. But, I've done it more times than I can count this summer. I feel like I am ruining my kids childhood and I don't want them to look back and only remember that they had a sick mom that ruined all of their fun. I know how badly parents can mess a child up....I am a product of having two bad parents. I know that one little mistake can affect everything. And I also know that by killing myself, I would probably just cause them even more psychological damage than them just remembering having a sick mom.
But at the same time, I think about how I am feeling now. The not being able to eat anything without vomiting it up. The constant fatigue, how deep of a depression I am in...I feel totally hopeless and like I don't want to live another 60+ years like this. When does the suffering end? My childhood sucked, my teen years sucked and now my 20s are sucking since I'm being snowballed with health problems and hospitalizations and surgeries. I just wanna know when does it all end? I wanna know how I let myself get this bad? I constantly feel empty even though I shouldn't. I have a family that I love, a husband that loves me more than anything in the world. Most men would've been long gone by now, but he has stuck by my side through everything. He is on Prozac though, because of me. And the Prozac has made him become more detached and void of emotion. I'm on Wellbutrin. Is this going to happen to me? Part of me wants to stop taking it. I don't want to become a zombie like other medications have made me in the past. I don't want to gain a bunch of weight like antidepressants are known to do. I just want to be better. I want to be me again. I mean I never was the smartest kid, or the prettiest, definitely not the tallest, I never had anything that I was great at or anything that made me stand out from anybody else and I didn't have a lot of friends. But I was content with myself. I'm not happy with who I am anymore. I don't even know who I am anymore and I want a different life, a different body.
Sorry this post was so emo...I'm just not in a good place. Hopefully my next post will be a happier one but don't count on it.
No comments:
Post a Comment