So, this post is gonna be more positive than my last one. After re-reading, I was in a really bad place. Therapy hasn't been helping too much, but maybe because I have been avoiding talking about certain issues that brings me shame and try to keep hidden, which I know is the whole point of going to a therapist lol. But, we talk about other issues, like my eating disorder and my obsessive thoughts and controlling behaviors, though I don't feel it's working. If anything, these things have gotten worse for me since I started going to therapy. The medicine has been working, though. I no longer feel hopeless and don't cry over everything, so that's a plus.
I'm not as sick as I was over the summer. At least food stays down. I never have an appetite and my weight is still dropping. I'm down to 98 pounds, the lowest my weight has ever been. I look sickly. You can count my ribs and see my spine. I have no butt, and my trademark DDs are more of a D (I don't think I'll ever get rid of those things) I am trying to up my calories, but it is hard for me in more than one area. It's a mental battle, for one. I log my calories so I can get an idea of how much I'm eating. I can eat a few things throughout the day and feel full and satisfied and would think that's enough, as long as I wasn't feeling hungry. But, logging the calories, I'm not even hitting the 500 calorie mark. And with all the moving around I do ( I almost never sit down and let myself relax) I burn almost half of what I eat just by doing my normal cleaning routine and caring for Jenna, not counting the days I am able to get my walks in. So I have been trying, but it's impossible.... I hate feeling sick from being full and having to make myself eat. My husbands remedy is to eat more higher calorie foods, but I refuse to eat unhealthy. I could easily hit my 1300 calorie goal if I let myself eat ice cream and pizza and junk, but there's no nutrition. I already can't eat the normal healthy stuff like fresh fruits and veggies, so I gotta try to find a balance somewhere. If I'm gonna try to overcome this eating disorder, it has to be done my way.
Another thing that has been happening (sorry if I've been jumping around) is my youngest, Jenna, was diagnosed with level 2 autism a couple of weeks ago. She is challenging to care most days with her constant need for attention and her violent temper tantrums. I was really looking forward to her starting kindergarten next fall, but I don't think she is going to be ready. Her preschool teachers are already struggling teaching her because she is so stubborn and refuses to be taught anything at all. She won't practice writing her letters or her name, I can't get her to learn to write her name, she won't socialize with the other kids. I almost feel like we are wasting our money on preschool because she isn't getting much from it. But then we have days (like today) that aren't too bad. We haven't had many tantrums, but she's being hyperactive, clingy and needy for attention, but this is an everyday occurance for me. I am just relieved we got a diagnosis and we will be getting different therapists to come in and work with her.
So now for something completely off topic of everything. I have always had plans for myself. To do something with my life, other than being a mommy and a wife, though doing what I do is a full time job in itself and I don't really know why I would want to add more stress onto myself lol. But, maybe I am just a glutton for punishment? I always had a strong desire to be a nurse, but I think this has changed. I am juggling the thought of two different careers, both I've had a few people tell me I should pursue. A therapist, or a dietician. It's actually ironic in a way because my therapist I see weekly told me I should consider this as a career path for myself. I really don't let her do much. I shrink myself, without doing the schooling. Everything she suggests for me to do, I already do on my own. She tells me most eating disorders and obsessive/controlling behaviors are usually stemmed from something that happened in your life. I know when these behaviors started developing...around 3-4 1/2 years ago. I know what events occurred in my life that more than likely triggered these behaviors, but she doesn't. I refuse to talk about it. I refuse to bring up the hurt and pain, and shame and guilt...lots of emotion. But I know it's the key to recovery for me. Anyway, I'm getting off topic, which I do a lot, eh? She thinks becoming a therapist would be ideal for me. I've been through a lot, I still go through a lot, so I have empathy and personal experience. And apparently I already know a lot about this stuff without even having to go to school for it. Then, the child psychologist that evaluated Jenna told me to go for it. We were going through ways that I handle her, how I managed to teach her the alphabet. She told me I need to go get my degree and come work for her company. She was being dead serious about it. She actually took the attention off Jenna and was encouraging me that I need to go for it and how just by talking how I am able to handle my baby that I have a natural knack for it. Idk yet....it's an awful lot of schooling and training.
The dietician thing came about just recently. I have been through so much, learning so much about food. I have so many dietary restrictions due to my gastroparesis and ileostomy and I spend spare time researching. I've met with two nutritionists and everything they tell me, I already knew. I have friends that come to me for nutrition advice. I know all about macronutrients, micronutrients, how our body breaks down and uses these. But on the flip side, I have friends that come to me when they need advice or somebody to listen. Both careers require a lot of school, a 4 year degree minimum. That's a lot of student loans, homework, papers schooling, on top of the other work I already struggle to keep up with. It's something I really need to think about and of course my hubby is no help. He's fine if I go back, he's fine if I don't. But he knows I'll be stressing myself out trying to keep up with my girls and their school work. When will I have time for my own on top of cleaning my house and making dinner for everyone and making sure the girls are clean for bed? I get stressed thinking about it! It's not like I can totally depend on Dave, because he's not always home. Maybe it's just all pipe dreams.
Anyways....I think I have rambled on enough for this and I have sat for too long and am starting to get tired. I got towels to fold a dishwasher to empty/load and floors to sweep. And maybe somewhere in my day, I'll get dinner started and can sneak in some reading of my book so I'm not up so late tonight reading it lol.
But I would like to end this with one positive affirmation for myself, so one day when I go back to re-read this thing, I can remember and remind myself. Even though I have several health problems and always seem to be faced with obstacles, whether it's nursing, therapist, dietician, or something else entirely- I will never lose hope that one day I WILL do something important and meaningful and WILL make a difference in somebody's life. It's just a matter of when.
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