The title of this entry pretty much says it all. It's exactly how I feel right now, and how I've been feeling for awhile now. Just completely hopeless.
I found myself in a depression. A deep depression that I can't seem to will myself out of. I am completely void of any energy, any emotion other than bitterness and apathy. I feel like a hollowed out version of myself. I never have any energy to do the smallest task, something as simple as putting away laundry or making chocolate milk for my little girl. I don't know if this lethargy is from me being depressed, from the tumor and my hormones being all out of sorts, from the new medicine I am on, or a mixture of everything.
I haven't talked to anybody about how I've been feeling. I can tell my husband knows something is up because I'm either crying or in a bad mood. He is probably waiting for me to come to him to talk, but I won't because I'm stubborn and I've given him enough to worry about.
I found out that I have multiple cysts on my ovaries, the biggest one being about 4 inches big. They don't like to do surgery unless they start to twist the ovary and they are confident they will dissolve on their own. The tumor is what caused them so they think the cabergoline will help to dissolve those. I hope so. I am relieved I got to avoid another surgery for now.
As far as this depression goes, I don't know what to do about it. I can't talk to my family doctor about it....I'm in the process of finding a new doctor. Dave was about ready to punch my doctor in the face. I haven't been eating. I'm pretty much walking a thin line of having an eating disorder. I rarely get close to about 700 calories a day. But, even eating so little, I still gain weight. I know it's my hormones being all out and hormones have everything to do with it. But according to my doctor, it doesn't. He told me flat out that I am gaining because I am eating too much. Dave told him I barely eat as it is, which my doc replied "she's eating too much for her size. Try 500 calories a day and you may maintain." Dave retorted with "you don't tell a woman who almost has an eating disorder to eat even less....are you trying to send her back to the hospital?" He was very upset. Meanwhile, all this is being said and I'm just sitting there crying, feeling like a cow even though I'm not even overweight according the BMI charts.
I'm just a mess, physically, mentally, emotionally. All kinds of fucked up and I just want to go back to normal. I forget what normal feels likes. I just want my energy to come back. I had this big surgery to feel better and not sick and only to get diagnosed with more shit and I even feel guilty for feeling down about this because there are people out there right now fighting for their lives, struggling wi cancer. Little kids dying of cancer, little kids losing parents to car accidents, murders or sickness. And here I am, bitching and letting some benign tumor and a couple pound weight gain push me over my edge. I don't even feel worthy to live when I put it all in perspective.
I'm really glad nobody reads this thing. I'm half tempted to stop posting anyways....I only do because in some way, writing is therapeutic to me and I need something therapeutic in my life instead of going on long walks or taking long baths just so I can cry and let it out.
Sunday, April 28, 2013
Friday, April 19, 2013
Domino
I am gonna give myself a new nickname...the Human Domino. That's how I have been feeling, though I'm sure that nickname won't stick lol.
My MRI came back positive for a tumor. I have an appointment with an endocrinologist today to find out what comes next. I'm gonna assume they will want a biopsy to see if its cancerous or benign. I'm scared shitless that I have a brain tumor, but relieved I have an answer for some of my symptoms. This is why I get headaches and could explain my unrelenting forgetfulness and memory loss, not to mention I have been easily irritated and can get hostile, which if you know me, I don't really have a "bitch bone" in my body. I can forget things almost instantly and my mother-in-law had a theory that its because I'm just not paying enough attention. Pfft. I now legit have an excuse..."sorry I forgot...I have a brain tumor" lol. At least I am able to laugh about it. I don't know how to tell my girls, maybe I won't have to. Jenna is constantly expressing her worry about me having more surgery and going back into the hospital, which may be happening for the ovarian cysts. And depending on what they tell me today, I may have to have the tumor removed, but after doing research they try meds to shrink it before resorting to surgery.
My husbands ultrasound came back negative for gallstones, but now they want to do a gallbladder function test. He is putting it off...he believes its just an ulcer from his worrying about me. He is still in shock that I have a tumor. Seriously...what else can go wrong with me? Ovarian cysts and pituitary tumor. I'll take that with a side of cancer please.
Anyway, a more upbeat update on things not even relating to health issues. My oldest daughter, Gianna, went and got her ears pierced! She chickened out the first time and we left the mall, only to return back after we stopped for dinner and she went through with it. My big girl didn't even cry! Now, all she talks about is getting her ears pierced and trying to talk more of her friends into getting it done. She told me this morning as I was cleaning her ears, "I think I am ready for more holes in my ears." I told her no more piercing a until she is at least 13 lol. I wonder when my Jennabug will be ready for her ear pierced?
Ugh I gotta start getting ready for my appointment. I will admit, I'm kinda scared. I called yesterday to make the appointment and the secretary told me he was booked until July, but was gonna ask him if I was able to hold off until then or if she should squeeze me in, "I wanna see her tomorrow." Was his response. All of my lab work and scans were sent over there. I remember how I was saying that I was wondering if all of these problems could somehow be symptoms of 1 big medical mystery. I as doing research, and it could be lupus. Lupus will attack your organs. My thyroid levels are almost nonexistent being a whopping 0.3. The colon went, my stomach and small intestine are super slow, crap going on reproductively, the tumor. So my digestive, endocrine and reproductive systems are taking a hit....and lupus is the only thing I was able to find that will attack those. I may bring it up to the doctor today and pray that he doesn't think I'm crazy. All it requires is a blood test...doesn't hurt to bring it up though, right?
We will see. I'll be updating this at some point to write about what they are gonna do for this stupid tumor and these cysts in the ovaries. Until then....
My MRI came back positive for a tumor. I have an appointment with an endocrinologist today to find out what comes next. I'm gonna assume they will want a biopsy to see if its cancerous or benign. I'm scared shitless that I have a brain tumor, but relieved I have an answer for some of my symptoms. This is why I get headaches and could explain my unrelenting forgetfulness and memory loss, not to mention I have been easily irritated and can get hostile, which if you know me, I don't really have a "bitch bone" in my body. I can forget things almost instantly and my mother-in-law had a theory that its because I'm just not paying enough attention. Pfft. I now legit have an excuse..."sorry I forgot...I have a brain tumor" lol. At least I am able to laugh about it. I don't know how to tell my girls, maybe I won't have to. Jenna is constantly expressing her worry about me having more surgery and going back into the hospital, which may be happening for the ovarian cysts. And depending on what they tell me today, I may have to have the tumor removed, but after doing research they try meds to shrink it before resorting to surgery.
My husbands ultrasound came back negative for gallstones, but now they want to do a gallbladder function test. He is putting it off...he believes its just an ulcer from his worrying about me. He is still in shock that I have a tumor. Seriously...what else can go wrong with me? Ovarian cysts and pituitary tumor. I'll take that with a side of cancer please.
Anyway, a more upbeat update on things not even relating to health issues. My oldest daughter, Gianna, went and got her ears pierced! She chickened out the first time and we left the mall, only to return back after we stopped for dinner and she went through with it. My big girl didn't even cry! Now, all she talks about is getting her ears pierced and trying to talk more of her friends into getting it done. She told me this morning as I was cleaning her ears, "I think I am ready for more holes in my ears." I told her no more piercing a until she is at least 13 lol. I wonder when my Jennabug will be ready for her ear pierced?
Ugh I gotta start getting ready for my appointment. I will admit, I'm kinda scared. I called yesterday to make the appointment and the secretary told me he was booked until July, but was gonna ask him if I was able to hold off until then or if she should squeeze me in, "I wanna see her tomorrow." Was his response. All of my lab work and scans were sent over there. I remember how I was saying that I was wondering if all of these problems could somehow be symptoms of 1 big medical mystery. I as doing research, and it could be lupus. Lupus will attack your organs. My thyroid levels are almost nonexistent being a whopping 0.3. The colon went, my stomach and small intestine are super slow, crap going on reproductively, the tumor. So my digestive, endocrine and reproductive systems are taking a hit....and lupus is the only thing I was able to find that will attack those. I may bring it up to the doctor today and pray that he doesn't think I'm crazy. All it requires is a blood test...doesn't hurt to bring it up though, right?
We will see. I'll be updating this at some point to write about what they are gonna do for this stupid tumor and these cysts in the ovaries. Until then....
Friday, April 12, 2013
Trying to remain hopeful
I realize its been awhile since my last post. I have been extremely busy with mom stuff and more health issues. The medicine they have me on isn't working very well, so I have an appointment coming up to find out more options and probably more tests.
I had an ultrasound at the beginning of the week that confirmed I have ovarian cysts. I find out the 26th if surgery will be needed to remove them. I have an MRI that needs scheduled because my prolactin levels were pretty high and that typically indicates a tumor on the pituitary gland. Yep, I got 1 problem fixed and a bunch more are gonna surface. I'm left wondering if all of these problems are somehow linked to one giant issue?
Also, my hubby is having issues of his own now. He's been nauseated for weeks and will often throw up if he eats his regular portion sizes (which is usually like 4 servings of something in one sitting lol). He either has given himself an ulcer from all the stress he's been under or has a gallbladder issue. He went and got an ultrasound of the gallbladder today, checking for stones. I hope everything turns out fine with him and its just something simple like an ulcer. He used up all of call off days for my surgery and can't take off for a surgery of his own.
Even though all of this shit is going on, I am hopefully that things will turn out alright. Maybe it's silly to believe in symbolism, maybe it's not. But this morning, I opened my door to leave and standing about 1 foot in front of me was a red cardinal. My first thought was that it was hurt because as I bent down to look at it, it didn't move. I pet his little head and then picked it up. It didn't try to flap or run away from me. Jenna came out and was petting it. After about a 5 minute visit, the cardinal flew away. It wasnt hurt and was able to fly that whole time. After an Internet search, it said that cardinals have a symbolism that they can appear in dreams as a sign that in times or darkness or uncertainty that everything is going to be alright. Now, I didn't dream about it so I dont know if the meaning is the same....but kinda odd how a cardinal appeared on my porch and let me hold and pet it during such a hard time right now. So who knows? Maybe this was a sign from God that everything is going to be alright.
I sure hope so.
I had an ultrasound at the beginning of the week that confirmed I have ovarian cysts. I find out the 26th if surgery will be needed to remove them. I have an MRI that needs scheduled because my prolactin levels were pretty high and that typically indicates a tumor on the pituitary gland. Yep, I got 1 problem fixed and a bunch more are gonna surface. I'm left wondering if all of these problems are somehow linked to one giant issue?
Also, my hubby is having issues of his own now. He's been nauseated for weeks and will often throw up if he eats his regular portion sizes (which is usually like 4 servings of something in one sitting lol). He either has given himself an ulcer from all the stress he's been under or has a gallbladder issue. He went and got an ultrasound of the gallbladder today, checking for stones. I hope everything turns out fine with him and its just something simple like an ulcer. He used up all of call off days for my surgery and can't take off for a surgery of his own.
Even though all of this shit is going on, I am hopefully that things will turn out alright. Maybe it's silly to believe in symbolism, maybe it's not. But this morning, I opened my door to leave and standing about 1 foot in front of me was a red cardinal. My first thought was that it was hurt because as I bent down to look at it, it didn't move. I pet his little head and then picked it up. It didn't try to flap or run away from me. Jenna came out and was petting it. After about a 5 minute visit, the cardinal flew away. It wasnt hurt and was able to fly that whole time. After an Internet search, it said that cardinals have a symbolism that they can appear in dreams as a sign that in times or darkness or uncertainty that everything is going to be alright. Now, I didn't dream about it so I dont know if the meaning is the same....but kinda odd how a cardinal appeared on my porch and let me hold and pet it during such a hard time right now. So who knows? Maybe this was a sign from God that everything is going to be alright.
I sure hope so.
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