Hopeless

The title of this entry pretty much says it all. It's exactly how I feel right now, and how I've been feeling for awhile now. Just completely hopeless.

I found myself in a depression. A deep depression that I can't seem to will myself out of. I am completely void of any energy, any emotion other than bitterness and apathy. I feel like a hollowed out version of myself. I never have any energy to do the smallest task, something as simple as putting away laundry or making chocolate milk for my little girl. I don't know if this lethargy is from me being depressed, from the tumor and my hormones being all out of sorts, from the new medicine I am on, or a mixture of everything.

I haven't talked to anybody about how I've been feeling. I can tell my husband knows something is up because I'm either crying or in a bad mood. He is probably waiting for me to come to him to talk, but I won't because I'm stubborn and I've given him enough to worry about.

I found out that I have multiple cysts on my ovaries, the biggest one being about 4 inches big. They don't like to do surgery unless they start to twist the ovary and they are confident they will dissolve on their own. The tumor is what caused them so they think the cabergoline will help to dissolve those. I hope so. I am relieved I got to avoid another surgery for now.

As far as this depression goes, I don't know what to do about it. I can't talk to my family doctor about it....I'm in the process of finding a new doctor. Dave was about ready to punch my doctor in the face. I haven't been eating. I'm pretty much walking a thin line of having an eating disorder. I rarely get close to about 700 calories a day. But, even eating so little, I still gain weight. I know it's my hormones being all out and hormones have everything to do with it. But according to my doctor, it doesn't. He told me flat out that I am gaining because I am eating too much. Dave told him I barely eat as it is, which my doc replied "she's eating too much for her size. Try 500 calories a day and you may maintain." Dave retorted with "you don't tell a woman who almost has an eating disorder to eat even less....are you trying to send her back to the hospital?" He was very upset. Meanwhile, all this is being said and I'm just sitting there crying, feeling like a cow even though I'm not even overweight according the BMI charts.

I'm just a mess, physically, mentally, emotionally. All kinds of fucked up and I just want to go back to normal. I forget what normal feels likes. I just want my energy to come back. I had this big surgery to feel better and not sick and only to get diagnosed with more shit and I even feel guilty for feeling down about this because there are people out there right now fighting for their lives, struggling wi cancer. Little kids dying of cancer, little kids losing parents to car accidents, murders or sickness. And here I am, bitching and letting some benign tumor and a couple pound weight gain push me over my edge. I don't even feel worthy to live when I put it all in perspective.

I'm really glad nobody reads this thing. I'm half tempted to stop posting anyways....I only do because in some way, writing is therapeutic to me and I need something therapeutic in my life instead of going on long walks or taking long baths just so I can cry and let it out.